Farting in Church – Free eBook Download
Farting in Church is seven religiously irreverent and somewhat fictionalized tales of the author’s mistakes and occasional triumphs. These stories and short essays will make you laugh and show you it’s OK to laugh at your mistakes, because everyone else does. This ebook includes a bonus chapter from Anthony Elmore’s upcoming novel, Rapture Express.
The Ramens and the Robo Cashier
I began feeding coins into the coin slot. Each time I entered a coin the robo-cashier said “Please Insert Payment.” Every time.
This Line Has No Beginning and No End
The trick of bureaucratic jujitsu is to be over-prepared. I had all my forms ready with a list of references, my social security card, termination email, and a voided blank check for the direct deposit.
Farting in Church
With an angel-deafening bluster, a fart roared through the gymnasium, climbing to a forte then ascending to a piccolo then down another register.
What Happens in Amsterdam Stains in Amsterdam
On my drab sweater, the consequence ran in a long, diagonal streak from my belly to my right shoulder. I desperately tried to dab it off with the toilet paper but just got smeared.
A Cubicle Carol
Across the field of cubicles, other people rose and sang. We were mostly off key, but eventually we found the harmony. One person even stood on his cubicle table singing with such power and sincerity that it emboldened the rest of us.
I picked up the box, suddenly conscious that something once alive was inside. The box was cool to the touch, probably packed full of dry ice. I carried it down the hall at full length, keeping as much distance between it and my body as I could.
This I Believe: Be Kind to Beggars and Avert an Intergalactic War
In order to establish good relations with potential extraterrestrial allies, I don’t chance leaving a beggar’s palm empty, for they may be aliens doing reconnaissance.
BONUS! Rapture Express Excerpt
The Starman struck the chord again, then again, two white explosions leaping from the sides of the stage. Starman played a “di-da-di-da-di-di-da-di-da-duh-duh” rhythm. An explosion of light answered back.